More Love Advice From Feudal Lord

Dear Feudal Lord—

My girlfriend recently told me she thinks we should take a break and start seeing other people. We had something great going—where did this come from? I just don’t understand why she’s doing this.

How do I get her to reconsider? She’s coming over this weekend—she says she wants her Tupperware back.

Help!

—Big Problems in Big Horn, WY

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Dear Lord Big Horn—

Lo! What a quandary! What vexing tribulation yonder!

Disavow yourself, say I, from this maid. She seems daffy in the cerebellum, if you must have my opinion, a most disagreeable sounding wench indeed. The fact that she has not heeded your wishes to continue in union is cause enough for abandoning her in favor of a more agreeable female. Time to move on to that little vixen of mistress you have been entertaining on the side!

Do not be sad, Big Horn. Rather, rejoice! You have ditched a most unworthy wench in favor of more fruitful pastures! Cast that filthy courtesan aside to whatever poor soul might be desperate enough to take her in! As men we are blessed with sacred right to reject or accept the female—and how they should be thankful to have us!

Our Father Almighty gave unto thee testicles, dear Lord Big Horn. Use them!

Salutations and Godspeed,

—Feudal Lord