How To Love Like A Frenchman

Frenchmen are known the world over for their delicate passion and steamy romance. Their techniques are subtle, yet effective, and many have attempted to emulate the exploits of these legendary lovers. Indeed, there are few women walking the streets able to resist the smoldering stare of a Frenchman in heat.

With Valentine's Day on the horizon, now is as good a time as ever to get in touch with your inner Francophile. Here are a few simple tricks to have you loving like a Frenchman:

1. Mustache - If you are able, grow a mustache. A simple pencil-thin tickler on the upper lip adds much to your mystique. While many may be fond of a more comprehensive style of facial hair, the lightly curled mustache is a staple of the French lover, a powerful symbol of romantic intent. If worn properly, the mustache can speak in entire sentences, perhaps even paragraphs. A simple twitch on the right side of the mustache, for example, communicates a single, clear message: "Put down the baguette and take off the brassiere."
2. Accent - Almost as important as the mustache, a proper French accent signals your intentions as a lover of the highest caliber. One must be careful, however, to cultivate the proper form of the French accent. There is a fine line between speaking French, speaking French-accented English, and being a French-Canadian. French is the language of love, a swooping song of desire laced with candlelight and cheese. French-accented English suggests a more casual, flirty take on the standard French, suggesting that one might be French, but also down to party. The French-Canadian accent suggests nothing romantic at all. Instead of inspiring feelings of unfettered lust, the French-Canadian accent suggests to your beloved that you have spent many months previous in the wilderness with other men, trapping beaver. And while trapping beaver may very well be your aim, the French-Canadian accent is not the accent to get you there. Wrong kind of beaver.
3. Cheese - Also, candles. Fine wine. A red-and-white checkered picnic blanket. A barn. The key here is atmosphere and good judgement. By atmosphere, I mean creating an environment in which every feature is unmistakably designed to further the aims of romance. By good judgement, I mean not burning down the barn with the candle.

While the mysteries of loving as a Frenchmen might may seem daunting at first, they can be mastered, given enough practice. Good luck. Remember to tip your waiter.